Motherhood

I was twenty-two, the day love was laid in my arms. 

He was 8 pounds 3 ounces – or was it 4?  I don’t remember – but what I never shall forget is an awakening in my soul.   A person I had never known was born that day – and it wasn’t my firstborn – for as my son entered the world, a new version of me arrived with him.

There’s just something about motherhood. 

It unmasks our souls and reveals our vulnerabilities.  Yet at the same time, it unveils courage, boldness and a love that is altogether fierce, reckless and unbreakable.

It has the unexplainable ability to duplicate that intense devotion time and time again - no matter how many children a mother brings into this world.

For me, it was four.

Four souls who forever altered mine.

I have known the pain of tears on the second Sunday in May – days with empty arms and empty prayers.

And I have known the tears of exhaustion – when prayers were realized and arms were full and patience short and demands unmet and endless work and...and… and then the years when guilt plagued my mind – knowing all I really wanted for Mother’s Day was to be alone for a few hours.

As a mother, I have learned patience and I have not.

I have been fearless and I have been afraid.

I have known success and I have known failure.

I have laughed, cried, questioned and learned as a mother more than in any other relationship I’ve known.

And in it I’ve seen the heart of God – a God who loves His children with a fierce and uncontainable passion.  A love that cannot be earned…cannot be stopped… cannot be broken nor can it be demanded. 

It just is.

And in it I’ve discovered His grace – for though I am imperfect, He allows me the gift of knowing what His love for me feels like – both given and received.

And I am changed. 

Can a mother forget her nursing child?

    Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?

But even if that were possible,

    I (God) would not forget you!

16 

See, I have written your name on the palms of My hands.

Isaiah 49